The Four Nations Face-Off Final: A Bonkers and Bizarre Smash Hit, for USA and Canada Alike

Every story is more absurd than the last, on and off the ice

No one really wants to give the NHL credit for anything, no matter how well it turns out.

Why? Well, probably because they’re essentially a governing body, and who ever wants to give the government credit? I don’t recall doing my taxes this year and whistling softly with admiration each time I clicked the button TurboTax told me to. "Man alive, these fellas sure do a great job!”

(Also, I don’t recall doing my taxes this year at all, because who can afford them what with the price of eggs these days, am I right folks, ha ha. I mean, what is this the DMV? And don’t get me started about all those viral chickens being put out of their misery.)

But inclinations aside, there’s no denying that the Four Nations Face-Off—a tournament in which four nations face off, which isn’t actually a thing, as only two teams can face off, or two people if we’re talking about the best version of Face Off,—has been fantastic hockey, and fantastic entertainment. And while I’m loath to praise the league for doing the thing everyone has been saying it should do for nearly a decade now, I’m not obstinate enough to deny that it’s been fantastic, and I’ve found myself smiling quite a bit during these games.

It wasn’t always likely to turn out that way, though. Back in 2023, the rumored international tournament seemed like a long shot when reports surfaced that Russian hockey players wouldn’t be eligible to compete, even under a neutral “ROC” sort of team, due to the Russian invasion of Ukraine. No, not that one, the more recent one.

But the league persevered, and with hard work and determination, they finally succeeded in making David Pastrňák sad. If that’s not success, I don’t know what is. Just consider it punishment for all those Dunkin’ Donuts commercials I had to watch in the playoffs, David.

The first celebratory moments came when the four teams—sorry, nations—announced their first six players. We finally got to see the leadership teams for everyone: the United States, Canada, Sweden, and the Dallas Stars, and there were some interesting…oh, right, I’m sorry, that’s a typo. That fourth team up there should read “the Dallas Stars and the Florida Panthers.” My mistake.

Anyway, we found out who would be wearing letters, and like any feedback where people only get A’s and C’s, somebody got an “A” that they didn’t deserve, which is to say Erik Karlsson. That’s not my opinion, by the way: that was his own coach’s opinion. Seems a little harsh to me, but I guess that’s what you call “motivation.” (And didn’t we all have a coach or a boss like that at some point?)

The momentum kept building, with things finally culminating in final rosters, such as the one in which the USA chose not to bring back a single player from their last international tournament in 2016 (presumably because half of them were still hurt). The hype machine really got going then: players started group texts to coordinate group activities, other players tried on new pants, and still more decided to stay home and take a long winter’s nap—a phrase somehow less old-timey than the actual one Alex Pietrangelo used.

A nap seemed like the right choice at the time, given that the tournament had necessitated a January schedule where each team had to play approximately 43 games in 31 days (rough estimate) resulting in teams like the Stars being ground down to the point where Cody Ceci was playing 24 minutes a night, and Brendan Smith was probably one pulled hamstring away from having to throw on the goalie gear against San Jose. Thankfully, that wasn’t necessary, as a dire situation like that might have resulted in a horrible scenario where the Stars only beat the Sharks 8-7 instead of 8-3. Bullet: dodged!

At long last, the tournament kicked into gear, and it turns out that all the cynics who said the tournament would be a boring rehash of the All-Star Game were wrong. Who was saying that, exactly? I don’t know, but everyone keeps saying how stupid those cynics were, and I guess that’s how we always have to celebrate success in hockey: by talking about how dumb everyone was for not expecting any success to happen. In your face, whoever you were/are/will be! We are very secure. How many times do I have to keep proclaiming that?

That said, the first game was legitimately awesome. We were off and running, with a dominant superteam from Canada blowing audiences away with a power play designed by the gods themselves and a lineup so elite and deep that they handily defeated Sweden in, ah, sudden-death overtime.

Yes, despite the Swedes missing their top goaltender in Jacob Markström, Canada barely eked out an overtime win, earning only two points. Now, I’m not saying that Connor McDavid, Sidney Crosby, and Nathan MacKinnon all deserved to be benched after that game or anything, but would that have been the spark they needed to overcome the Tkachukaning that awaited them in Game 2? The world will never know. Probably the Avalanche should bench MacKinnon in any Central Division matchups though, just to send a message.

Anyway, Shea Theodore ended up leaving the game with an injury that will probably take “how many days until the playoffs minus one?” to heal, which meant Thomas Harley got to pull a Carmen Sandiego until Hockey Canada finally informed Bill Daly that he would, in fact, not be getting his lunch money back until Harley was cleared to play.

The sides agreed that, per The Rules That Were Written Down By My Friend’s Dad Who Works at Nintendo, one more defenseman would have to miss the next game for Harley to draw in, and great news! Cale Makar instantly got sick, while in unrelated news, a janitor swept up twelve broken vials marked with a skull and crossbones hastily taped over and labeled with the words “PARAYKO DRINK, YUMMY” from underneath Makar’s dressing room stall. Mistakes happen.

As for the USA and Finland, the states kindly allowed Finland to hang around the game for 40 minutes before Mike Sullivan gave his players permission to skate around the Finnish defense rather than handing them the puck after every neutral zone traversal. That would be the same Finnish defense which had been so devastated by injuries and “what are you doing” Mark Stones that Jere Lehtinen put up the secret signal that summons every single Finnish defenseman in the NHL except Ville Heinola, who had Scott Arniel doing the “trust me, bro, don’t bother” head shake just out of his periphery.

So the USA stomped Finland into dust in the final period, proving to everyone that the tournament would shape up exactly as planned: with the two North American teams squaring off atop the standings when the round robin was all said and done.

Or at least, that was the plan, until Finland beat Sweden in a rivalry game that was every bit as intense for its home countries as the one that would follow later in the day. But because this tournament was only ever going to be considered a success if Sidney Crosby scored another overtime winner in the Final against the USA, the broadcast spent half the time talking about the two teams that weren’t currently playing, so we won’t talk about how Finland will be bragging about that victory for the next two years, and deservedly so.

But while those two countries have figured out how to peacefully coexist in the wake of former subjugation, the USA and Canada woke up and chose to hash out their differences in a slightly different way:

Was it awesome? Yeah, pretty much. Did it set completely unrealistic expectations that tonight’s game is sure to fall short of in the eyes of casual, bloodthirsty viewers everywhere? Who cares.

Thomas Harley did not get in a fight, as he spent those first nine seconds of his senior team debut on the bench trying to take the tags off his sweater that he’d been handed five minutes before puck drop. It wouldn’t matter, however, as even an outstanding Harley performance wouldn’t be enough to withstand the devastating USA neutral zone play, and the suddenly-defensive contest wound its way to a victory for the Stars and Stripes. *eagle screech*

Days later, Brandon Hagel would mock the USA for needing a group text to coordinate defending their country’s honor, while Matthew Tkachuk would respond by saying that maybe Canadians just don’t like each other. Personally, I would like to help these two players to settle this group text back-and-forth by just admitting the truth: nobody really likes being in a group text with coworkers, because someone is inevitably excluded, leading to weird cliquey drama at worst, or the awkward “don’t make eye contact as you carry your Shake Shack cup back past Rhonda’s desk, knowing she’ll realize four other people are carrying Shake Shack cups, too, and she will saunter over to one of their desks later but it’s always your desk, and she’ll try to “casually” bring up oh hey, did you go to Shake Shack, their burgers are so good, have you tried the shakes? and the fries are good too, although sometimes I don’t like fries because of carbs, but hey I was thinking of going next week, that would be fun, are you in? Maybe? ha ha, well I’ll find you, ha ha ha, also nice to meet you I’m Rhonda and today is your first day Robert we’ve never actually met before but you inevitably get pulled into this absurd drama no matter what job you have or for how long and guess what, I’ll find you on Substack someday too, don’t think I won’t,” at best.

Uh, anyway, the bottom line was that after the first four games (by four nations, remember), three teams were all tied with two points, with the USA having locked up their spot in the Final, giving them the ability to lazily coast through their final game with Sweden while resting up for a massive showdown with Canada, surely.

Or, you know, that’s what it seemed like to morons like me. Instead, we found out that Charlie McAvoy had been terrorizing Connor McDavid and Sidney Crosby with one good shoulder, and the Boston Bruins subsequently announced that he would be out for the tournament, and also he’s in the hospital, and also we’re not outright saying Team USA’s medical staff are a bunch of quacks, but here’s a giant statement not not saying that, either.

Also, Auston Matthews had the Superbug that’s been going through every locker room in the tournament, because if the NHL is going to have a playoff in two main cities like we did in 2020, we’ve learned that you need the terrifying threat of a virus to really spice up the background. And Matthew Tkachuk isn’t going to play in this game either, so actually wait how many guys did we bring to this thing again? Can Connor Hellebuyck play forward? *eagle screech*

As a result, USA ended up playing a meaningless game with a roster of only 17 NHL skaters, which would be reduced even further to 16 after Brady Tkachuk saw a McDavid sweater in the crowd and his eyeballs turned completely white, after which he ran into a goalpost and left the game before the first period was over.

So despite not needing to even participate in the game to advance, the USA tried really hard anyway and ended up causing a near-disaster, as they both lost the moral victory and the don’t-get-hurt victory also the actual victory, by the way, as Sweden held on for a 2-1 win.

However, Jake Oettinger was great, and he is legally absolved of any blame for the result. I have petitioned Team USA to strike this loss from his international W/L record, but I’m told they’re dealing with other stuff right now, such as trying to convince Luke Hughes to fly to Vancouver and cosplay as Quinn for a couple of days so we can just get the danged dude here already.

Canada, meanwhile, simply had to beat Finland to face the USA, and they easily did that with 55 minutes of superior play, followed by 4 minutes of Esa Lindell and Mikael Granlund making everyone in Canada suddenly watch the television very quietly, finishing with one final minute of Sidney Crosby angrily taking his ball and going home. Or, to the Final or whatever.

So after a lot of worrying, the NHL has gotten the Final everyone in North America (read: the only people who matter for the television rights holders) wanted. The USA and Canada will square off in a rematch tonight that will finally see best-on-best in a winner-take-all-or-at-least-take-a-weird-trophy game.

Oh, hey, the trophy. Look at this thing:

That’s kind of an awkward size, right? Like, do you grab both the handles and just hold it up Lion King style, or do you tip it sideways in some funhouse-image of the Stanley Cup? Is the base like, way heavier than the cup part, and will it lead to lots of dropped handoffs as players try to decide just how much they’re actually supposed to skate around with this thing? Will Sidney Crosby have to give everyone permission to even touch it, lest you jinx your Olympic team for next year?

And come to that, where do you think Hockey Canada would even display that thing? I am guessing probably it would be a nice sort of coat rack to use in the lobby before the huge display case with their nine Olympic gold medals, their 28 IIHF gold medals, and their six Canada Cup/World Cup doodads.

Team USA will probably celebrate happily, only for things to get all packed away as the reason resumes, and Bill Guerin will finally end up with the world’s coolest coffee cup in his office six months later.

In any case, maybe even because of other unfortunate circumstances, this game is going to be big outside of hockey circles, too. And because of the NBA’s decision to actually try to make the All-Star Game a thing, hockey fans are revved up to make everyone like our sport without even saying please this time.

So, to circle back (Rhonda taught me that term at lunch): is it time to give the NHL credit?

Well, let’s see: everyone thought Quinn Hughes was going to fly back to join the US team like Davy Crockett returning to the Alamo (spoiler: that battle ends well, for one side) only for the Vancouver Canucks and USA Hockey to navigate a delicate situation with their organizations’ typical poise, causing massive confusion.

The latest thing we know is that Hughes wanted to come play but that the Canucks daren’t jeopardize their chance to get smoked in the first round of the playoffs by Vegas, and their medical staff has refused to clear Hughes for duty, so he’s not going. Don’t worry, Vancouver, I’m sure Hughes has loved having to answer for Elias Petterson and J.T. Miller’s drama all year, so this decision to rob him of an athlete’s dream game will probably make him even happier. Good call!

So that’s a bummer, as even Team Canada has been saying they’d be fine with Hughes joining the roster, given that they’re now allowed to play Thomas Harley and Cale Makar, whereas the league still won’t let the U.S. bring in another defensemen until a second player goes to the hospital, or at least gets a cold, because it would be an unfair advantage, I guess, though I don’t know what you call playing short one (then two) player(s) vs. Sweden if not a disadvantage, but you know, I’m not The Rules Guy, I’m the Are You Done Yet guy.

And even though Brett Pesce and Tage Thompson are coming in as reinforcements (we think) for a depleted squad in the event the US does have players who can’t go (Brady Tkachuk still hasn’t practiced since Monday), the NHL appears ready to stand firm on the rules once they get around to actually, you know, writing them down. Frankly, they’d wish you would all quit asking about them. So nosy of you, really.

In the end, we’re all going to be watching the game tonight, because the players are as amped up as you can be without clipping jumper cables to your earlobes, and there’s no better hockey than seeing great players play hard against great player playing hard. When they care, we care.

Handling four Game 7’s in the middle of winter has come at a cost for a few players on both teams, but given how many playoff series don’t end up living up to the hype, we can’t complain when a hastily manufactured tournament stumbles into giving us the prime cut of hockey beef we’ve always wanted. And coming at a time when the weather is making it miserable to go outside and there are no other interesting games on, there are absolutely going to be a ton of people watching hockey who don’t normally watch hockey, which is always a good thing.

If we all believe in the ability of this game to sell itself at its best, tonight might result in one of the biggest NHL shopping sprees in recent memory. But honestly, I don’t really care about television ratings or booing or rules or rosters much at this point: I just want to watch some good hockey. And this might well be some of the best hockey we ever see.

(Also, if you happen to play defense and shoot right-handed, please call Bill Guerin right now, he would very much like to speak with you.)