Three Dumb Excuses USA Hockey Fans Can Make after Losing to Canada (again)

However will USA hockey cope with this result, dear me

USA Hockey fans are accustomed to disappointment. Well, fans of the Men’s national team, that is.

Because despite seeing Miracle clips during every intermission and pre-game ceremony for the past week (can we please find a rallying cry that doesn’t invoke a 45-year-old achievement in the future?), the fact is that Canada has dominated the matchup in recent decades.

After their 4 Nations Face-Off victory on Thursday night, Canada now has a 15-5-1 record against the USA in the 21 tournaments in which they’ve faced each other. Ouch.

Let’s go back for a moment to the last time when the USA men’s team could really boast about their performance against Canada, which was nearly 30 years ago. For all that the Miracle on Ice meant to the country during the Cold War, the 1996 victory over Canada was just as impressive, but in a different way.

At the time, Canada was in the midst of what would become a 50-year Olympic gold medal drought that they finally overcame in Salt Lake City in 2002. Before that time, the USA had won gold in 1980. So when the US also beat Canada in 1996, they had some bragging rights over a pretty frustrated nation of hockey fans.

That’s not the case anymore, though. Just take a look at the men’s team record in the Winter Olympics, including those two painful silver medals, which are also the only such medals in the current century.

The IIHF World Championship is even worse for the red, white and blue, as the USA haven’t won since 1960. Don’t even bother looking for consolation there.

So while it’s tempting to write of the Four Nations Face-Off as an abridged competition that barely means anything, the result is at least consistent with recent history. Canada won, and they deserved to win, and good for them. Hooray for Canada, and Thomas Harley! “No excuses” is the Dallas Stars philosophy, and we might as well hold to that here, too.

But with respect to Dallas fans, it is also fact that many of them probably live or have lived in Dallas at one point, and the thing about Dallas is that it is not in Canada. So that means this result was probably a Very Big Bummer to a lot of folks, like your coworker who tuned in to check out all the hype, only to see zero fights followed by Connor McDavid with enough time to do his best Yusuf Dikeç impression in the slot before hitting the top corner to win it in overtime for Canada:

For those who are really bummed, sore, and grouchy, good news! For those who can’t handle defeat with grace and dignity, we’ve got you covered, too. You want some sour grapes? Baby, we’ve taken those grapes, fermented them, and we’re selling the bottles to the bourgeoisie by the dozens tonight. Or at least, by the threes.

If you choose not to accept Canada’s victory, then here are the three dumb excuses I recommend you use. Though of course, we’re too classy around here to use them ourselves. And these are all, of course, subsidiary to the best approach to handling this tournament in the future, which is to pretend like you don’t even remember it happening, like some kind of pop-up sandwich shop from 2007 that nobody remembers anymore except you and the old roommate who dragged you down there at 9pm one night because “it’s amazing, it’s so good, we have to try it,” and they were out of half the ingredients and you really just wanted a burrito, but I guess a turkey-slaw ciabatta thing that feels microwaved was worth putting on shoes for. Just pretend the tournament was like that.

But on the off chance you run into Canadian fans who insist that the 4NFO did, in fact, take place, then you can move on to these excellent whiny respones, one at a time.

1. Tournament Victory? More like 1-1 Tie

The first thing you should do when a Canadian fans mentions this victory is to cite the actual head-to-head record between the teams in the tournament: USA 1, Canada 1. Where I come from, we call that a tie.

Oh, right, it’s actually not quite even, because the USA beat Canada in regulation, whereas Canada had to win in overtime. And I’ve followed the NHL long enough to know that you get rewarded for some types of losses, which means the USA actually won the head-to-head matchup, on balance.

“Oh right, you mean that medal you got for beating us in overtime after we beat you in regulation? Yeah, congratulations. You know the 1996 World Cup had three games between our teams in the final round, let alone the preceding ones. If the Final had been a real final, like a best-of-three contest, you woudn’t be bragging right now. Also, the trophy is dumb.”

Just memorize that easy sentence paragraph, and you’re good to go. But if that doesn’t work for some reason, you can move onto number two below.

2. 23(24)-man Rosters

Injuries stink, and it was a huge bummer to see Matthew Tkachuk unable to play for the second half of the game. It was an even bigger bummer to see Charlie McAvoy have to be hospitalized. And Brady Tkachuk was also clearly not 100% in this game, while Auston Matthews hasn’t been 100% in a long time.

But Canada also didn’t even get to bring Alex Pietrangelo, and they lost Shea Theodore as well in the first game. The result? They got to face the USA with Thomas Harley brought in to help. Twice.

As for the USA? They weren’t allowed to bring in Quinn Hughes, who was named to the original roster, despite losing McAvoy. And based on Mike Sullivan’s comments the other day, it sure seems like they thought they were bringing Hughes, before something happened behind the scenes to submarine those plans.

Now we all know the “official” reason that all worked the way it did: Canada had to play their second game without an ill Cale Makar as well as Theodore, leaving them two defensemen short. That met the (definitely not made-up) threshold to bring Harley aboard. But the funky thing is that even after Makar returned, they were able to keep Harley, who played for an ailing Josh Morrissey in the Final. Again, quite convenient.

And Harley was a difference-maker, earning a primary assist on Canada’s first goal, and playing 21:56, good for third-most minutes on their blue line. He was so happy that he even almost lifted the trophy to shoulder-height once during his three-second celebration.

If you really want to whine about this point, here’s your final argument: USA played short a player in their loss against Sweden, which should be at least equivalent to Canada’s being short Makar in their second game, and should have allowed them to bring on Hughes, Pesce, or whoever for the remainder of the tournament, like Canada got to do with Harley.

Both teams had to suffer from injuries and illness in the round robin portion, and Canada got to keep their emergency replacement, whereas the USA was never allowed to bring in Quinn Hughes (or possibly that was because Vancouver, a city that is located in *checks map* aha: CANADA, wouldn’t let him? Nobody knows for sure). The USA couldn’t even use Brett Pesce, who was brought in along with Tage Thompson for insurance. Surely this is all a conspiracy, right?

At this point, you can’t get into the weeds, lest you admit that Pesce or Hughes or whoever would not have necessarily replaced Noah Hanifin (-1) or Adam Fox (-2) in the Final. In fact, they probably would have replaced Jake Sanderson, who scored a goal, and cough, let’s not go down that alternate timeline please, thank you. No, all you need to argue is that it sure would have been nice for Team USA to be able to adjust their depth chart after being without both of their top right-shot defensemen, wouldn’t it?

And if you really want to see somebody’s eyes glaze over after that, just start talking about emergency recalls during the season and how they related to the cap and so forth. It’s a great way to avoid being caught in long conversations, or to avoid making friends altogether. Once you’re alone, you might be willing to admit that the USA’s roster just didn’t have the top-end quality that Canada’s did, at least in terms of execution. But it was closer than it’s been in a long, long time, and that’s a good reason to be hopeful for the future, which is a heck of a lot better than being whiny for the present. Oh right, one more.

3. The Officiating Was…Bad?

This is a stupid argument, and you shouldn’t make it. I’m embarrassed you even considered this. I’m averting my eyes right now out of vicarious shame.

Both teams got away with some things here and there, while Canada earned the only power play of the game. Rigged! Foul! Right?

Except, well, Canada didn’t score a power play goal, and it’s not like the USA’s top scorers looked lethal all night either. There was one instance of a few players on the ice during a change that could have drawn a Too Many Men call, but Canada let the puck go down for an icing call. And if that’s the worst call of the night, then the officials probably did a fantastic job.

But you know what? Whining about penalty calls/non-calls is a classic strategy for a reason, so it’s probably the one that Angry On the Internet People will use. And like most complaints about officiating, the fact that it’s not based in much reality or logic won’t stop people from employing it. So if you’re really set on complaining, this is your go-to strategy, right here. Savor the flavor of whining, which is sweet for about as long as a piece of Fruit Stripe gum.

---

The truth is that this was a really fun hockey game to cap a really fun tournament. Either team could have won it, but Canada happened to capitalize on their opportunity before the USA did, and that’s that. Connor McDavid was better than Auston Matthews (who probably should have been covering him, cough cough). What else is new?

All I can say is that if you want to respond to a tournament this good by complaining, then you deserve excuses at least as bad as the ones I gave you, if not even worse ones.

Remember, this tournament replaced a surely-dreadful All-Star Game. This was all a massive bonus of fantastic, dramatic hockey in February. If you can’t be grateful for that, then maybe you need to pick another sport. At least the USA will probably be better at that one, right?